Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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