My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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