what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
