Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
