My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
