he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
