At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
