Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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