I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
