matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
