Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Come on in and take your pants off
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