so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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