I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
