im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
