Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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