Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
