Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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