and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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