I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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