I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
