i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
