I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
