what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i've created a new STD.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
