i was born a porn star she said
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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