I want to make a zoo with you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
