I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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