i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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