if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
