I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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