I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
