Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
