New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
