david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
