From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
