I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
