The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
