Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
