The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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