I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
