I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
