I'd wear matching sweaters with you
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
