I love black thongs
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
