seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
