Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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