I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
