The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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