I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
