my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
