My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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