Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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