Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize