All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
