I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This baby is an asshole
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
