in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
