I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
