I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize