I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I could make wine with my vomit
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
