I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
